Community

Nothing like a night out with friends to recharge your batteries.  Me and some gal pals went down to the local pub, obstensibly for book club, but really to socialize because book club seems to be fading fast.  We're not into the books as much anymore, and it is getting hard for all of us, of which there are only eight, to get together and have a night as being us.  Not so much moms, doctors, vets, lawyers, nurses, historians, teachers, office managers or writers.  We do talk about our kids, but we also talk about community, a little gossip about our work lives and spend the time learning about each other as we tell stories of our past.  I enjoy this little group of friends, and though book club may not be what we need, I think we do need time together, separate from our kids, husbands and work obligations.

So I woke up this morning, thinking about how I got the opinions from one friend on the youth sports programs in our town.  She's probably more knowledgeable about that stuff.  I wouldn't know if the high school was winning or losing.  I'm not one to care about winners and losers in sports, just how they play the game.  Yes, it is great to win, but I'd rather they focus on team work and skill building, especially at a young age.  I was also thinking about how we compared notes on sending daughters to dance, and our thoughts on local Cub Scouts.  Most of us walked, but some drove to the local pub to meet.  It's so cozy to be just blocks from your downtown businesses.  I walked in the warm fall air to meet up with one friend on the way to walk the rest of the way to the pub.

This is the community that you wonder about when you move away from home.  It's not very big, but it's part of the larger town landscape.  It's the friends and neighbors that give you their advice and opinions, invite you over for backyard parties and pumpkin carvings, take pictures of your kids in Halloween costumes, debate with you and accept your differences, share cookies and holiday recipes, invite you over in the winter storms for coffee cake and hot beverages while your children play and argue together.  It can be found.  But it does take work.

I now understand how hard it is to move.  It's not just hard on your children, it's hard on the grown ups leaving their social groups behind.  That next job somewhere else needs to be pretty spectacular to make you want to uproot your whole sense of being as self, as a couple, as a family.  We did move once before as a whole family and we were pretty strong in our convictions that we wanted a smaller town life for our children.  The uprooting was deemed worthy of the goal we were looking for.  We had our very good friends in our city suburban life and we miss them dearly, but it was a much smaller group of people we knew compared to how we've branched out.  The only thing that would make living here better is if we could have brought them with us.  But each family has to weigh that decision.  For us, the move to the small town was a mystery that we couldn't be sure it would be totally right, but turned into a great thing.  It could have turned out different, but for that fateful day my then stay-at-home husband took our then two year old to the library and the librarian said, "Oh, are you here for the playgroup?"  He wasn't, but it seemed like a good idea and somehow a group of similar minded parents met each other, let their little children play, and eventually grew to bond in different ways.

The "new" job maybe has faded in its previous expectations, but we have something we value so much more, the community that we live in is something that makes our lives full, balancing any of the difficult challenges that we face.

Mommy Wars? Where are the dads?

I was led to an interesting blog about someone on Facebook dissing a friend because she chose to stay at home and take care of her children after spending years in a university.   We all know that is so wrong every which way to Sunday.  No one should presume to know what's right for another person's children and lifestyle.  Then her article led me to her piece on Linda Hirschman, who, on the surface, seems to say that women who opt for the stay-at-home role are ruining the work of feminism by bowing down to male pressure to give up good jobs to stay at home.  This always gets me up in arms.  The so-called "Mommy Wars."  Because the options argued by women and among women are either, a) moms, you must stay at home with your kids or they will turn out bad and you are a bad mom, or b) moms, you must get out and work and use your talents or you will waste your education and brain by dealing with children all day.

This argument rages and rages and yet I never once see someone say, "My husband does 50-100% of the housework when we get home."  I never see anyone say, "Well, what does it mean if dad stays at home?  It's still a parent at home."  And did Betty Friedan talk about changing the role of the husband?  I don't know, I really need to read that book, but I'm betting it didn't get top billing if she did.

My theory is to level the playing field, men should have to stay home with their children for part of the baby or toddler years.  Women need to make them change diapers, watch the kids, be DADS, who are as present in their children's lives as working mothers make an effort to be.  3-5 years in the home should be enough.

Not so long ago, moms AND dads were at home.  This was called the family farm.  Dad was at home for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Sure dad might go out to the field, but he often took the children with him to help.  Mom might need some help in the house and with the critters she took care of.  Lots of give and take, adn back and forth.  Sure, there were defined roles, but I'll bet many a good marriage was a partnership with the man and woman worked TOGETHER to help the family survive and to care for the kids.

Feminism's ideals are not going to succeed until we get the men not just helping, but doing work at home and taking care of kids at home, whether they work or not.  And it starts with women expecting them to haul the change diapers, wash the clothes, kiss the boo-boos, play the games, do the dishes, make the dinner, and so on.  When the boys of those men see what they do, they will model that in their own marriage (we hope).  Change starts at home.  Your husband may not be a crack cook, but he can probably figure out the laundry.  Your wife may burn the cookies, but she may prefer to do the baths.  Who doesn't love doing the bedtime stories?  And kudos to the dads who choose to stay at home.  I know that's a very hard trend to buck and even harder when people ask you what you do.  I've seen and heard about the looks my husband got.  We wonder if some little friends weren't allowed to come over to play because HE was the stay-at-home person.  But what a great bond he developed with his kids.  And even though he's in the work world, the kids are everything to him and he misses us.  No late nights when he can avoid it.  And making dinner is so much easier when we each take a dish and do it together.

Once I was going to write a book.  Maybe I still need to.

The end of an era

I think I've mentioned before the trials and tribulations of Mr. Wild and his foray into stay-at-home parenthood. It was fraught with its pitfalls, frustrations, and happy moments. But it was good for all of us, I think we all would agree in our family.

After WC#2 started all day kindergarten, Mr. Wild thought perhaps he needed things to do. He did, for a bit, work the census, which worked as a great part time job. For as long as it lasted. It was supposed to last for a couple months, but his census team was so good, they were done in about four weeks. That was it.

Mr. Wild still felt he needed to have some useful occupation. He started to toy with the idea of getting back into the museum field. Yes, we both have the same professional background, which is a challenge unless you live in a high population area with many historical societies in a small land area. We love living in Wisconsin in a small town. We love our friends here and our schools and the atmosphere. We love the way we can get nearly everywhere in town on bike (if we wanted). So getting back into the museum field without us moving could have been a challenge.

But, the jobs popped up, one here, one there. There was one about 45 minutes away, but sounded very interesting. Unfortunately, the website with the announcement was outdated, because they had already hired someone for the posted position when he checked. Let this be a lesson to all (including me), keep your websites updated!

Then, it seemed almost providential, a nearby town with its historical society had a new job announcement. Mr. Wild read the description and said, "I can do that." And the whole process went well. They called for the phone interview. Mr. Wild was nervous, "I haven't done this in years." They called him back for an in-person interview. Trying on work clothes for Mr. Wild was a bit harrowing. We won't mention how it seems all the clothes shrank in the last five years. They were pleased with him and called him back for an interview with the staff.

Then, they called him with the position. He was thrilled. I was thrilled for him. It is always nice to be chosen for a job. Then reality set in. We didn't know how we were going to be a two income family again. Did we want to? Mr. Wild and I have grand ideas of maybe we could switch places. But extenuating circumstances at this point won't allow us to switch.

[I'm going to add a dig into the health care debate. His job offers no health insurance, mine does at very low cost. I tried to look up the cost for family health care at the level I have it, and we could not afford that on our own, not with orthodontics and the kids being in sports and glasses and everything else. If there had been a public option at a reasonable price for the whole family, well then....]

We did find afterschool care for the kids. It is a good price and both are doing well with it. For my son, the afterschool care is at the school and he gets his homework done during those hours, then can come home and relax with us. I think for him, this transition is fine, and maybe even really good for him. He's at the point where he won't listen to us grownups, can be distracted by what we have at home, so the afterschool program allows him to get his homework done and then be relaxed at home. For WC#2, I think it's a harder transition. She was extra huggy the first week, to both of us, but now she seems to be settling in a routine. She's good about doing her homework after she gets home to see us.

The hardest thing, I think, is for Mr. Wild to change his focus and mindset. He liked being at home when the kids came from school. He misses those two hours before I come home. I never understood this was the case, because, to me, he would often seem frustrated with the kids when I got back, but I think that just comes with the territory. I don't know if I can be of much help, because I have always been at work. I cherish the weekends and other spare time I have with the kids, but I don't think I know that feeling of not being there.

He says he always feels overwhelmed with how much he has to do at this new place and is not able to concentrate. Granted, he's only been back a total of seven days. I keep telling him to give himself more time than seven days.

I'm not sure how long we will be able to stay in this pattern. I think we both believe we needed to give it a try. Especially since this job would be good on his resume and not some random job he could have held. It's kind of a wait and see situation. I believe in Mr. Wild, after he has six months or more to get into a routine, I think things will go well.

But I think we both might really be happy if we could both be at home. Funny that.

Feminine Mistake

Good Morning America did a brief interview with Geraldine Ferraro this morning. http://abcnews.go.com/gma

I remember being impressed that a woman was in the second spot on a major party ticket. I think I was about 13 years old. Thank you, Ms. Ferraro for starting us down this road.

However, I was disappointed with her comments about how do working women do this job (in reference to Sarah Palin)? Or any job? She mentioned that depending on income levels, women have daycare, a housekeeper, and so forth. Even Robin Roberts said that it was putting focus on working women and their needs from the workplace. Never once did either woman say anything about what Governor Palin's husband might do for the family. Never once did they say WORKING PARENTS in reference to needs from the workplace.

Being the wife of a stay-at-home dad, I am so frustrated with our society not allowing men to freely choose this lifestyle. When the feminist revolution came about and made society change its mind about women working outside the home, where was the revolution that said men could work inside the home, caring for the children, keeping up the house with sweeping, mopping, dishes and laundry?

THAT IS THE FEMINIST MISTAKE!

First, I want to thank all those women that worked hard to allow me the choice of working outside the home, or the choice to work inside the home with my children.

But, shame on you for not helping to change attitudes about men and their role in society!!!!

People will say, "Well, women are the nurturers." Well, some women aren't natural nuturers, and some men are! We need to change society so that men are comfortable being at home, in the drudgery of dealing with small children and cleaning stuff over and over again. Because a man chooses to stay at home, DOES NOT MEAN HE WAS BAD AT HIS PREVIOUS JOB! He was not fired, he was not bored with it, he was not at a midlife crisis, whatever you might think.

So, I am frustrated with Geraldine and I'm frustrated with the media. Who is Sarah's husband? How does he spend time with the kids? Do they split the duties? How do THEY raise the children? Are there working women that have husbands who do raise the children because that is the CHOICE for the couple at that moment in their lives?

Today's dad is spending more time with the kids and feeling that his participation is just as important as his wife's, whether one, or both of them work. But, there is still a double standard for men. If my husband chooses to continue to stay at home and not work, because he wants to be at home when the kids come back from school, people might raise their eyebrows. With our stay-at-home mom friends, if that is their choice, no one really thinks twice about it. Men should not have their worth tied into their job and money making ability, and women should not have their worth tied into the raising of their children. THAT is soooo 19th century!

In my mind two partners in a marriage are partners in raising the children and both should have opportunities in work and at home to choose to raise their children as they see fit to do so for their emotional, spiritual and financial needs.

My husband and I, having lived in the Chicago suburbs for 7 years, started to find that we didn't spend any time together much as a family, because he was working weekends, or I was working weekends. If he took time off in the week, I would be at work and the kids were in daycare. It was too fast paced for us. We both applied for jobs in areas where we thought we could live on one income. I got the first job offer and it was decent and liveable. He made the very BRAVE decision to stay at home. I am proud of him and we love our home life as it is. Now that both kids are in school, he is thinking about going back to work, but I am thinking about staying at home. So, we do feel one parent at home, no matter which one it is, is the best choice for us.

But, I wish the rest of society viewed his choice as normal. Not as a deficiency on his part. He did not lose a job, he was good at what he did and would continue to be good. However, I think organizations that might look at his background may not give him the benefit of the doubt that they might give a stay-at-home mom. That's a crying shame, because they will not find out how talented my husband is in his field. All for a stereotype or an assumption about what stay-at-home dads are like or why they end up stay-at-home.

Naked opinions. You asked for it.