Questions of balance

Some days, I feel I'm a lazy mom.  I was just reviewing what I did, or did not do, with my kids the week I had off before school started.  I am afraid I just let them veg in front of the TV or with a video or computer game for too long.  I had no gumption to get out of my pjs before noon.  I spent too much of my time letting them do whatever with each other with electronics.  Usually, I let this get to me, but that week, I just let go.  I was tired from work and let my brain rot.  Rot on reading FB posts, emails and strange internet news.  Wandered around the house organizing small piles of stuff here and there.  Catching up on DVR shows.  Reading several different books at once: a guidebook on Maui, a book about weight training and the House of Mirth.

About noon I would realize I needed to get dressed and "do something."  And maybe feed my kids lunch.  Most days, lunch came at 1:30 pm.  I did take them to a museum and we spent quite a bit of time there.  They did have soccer practice at 5 pm several days that week, so I guess I felt justified in letting them veg in front of the TV.  Three days that week, I also got them to the pool and one day my daughter and I went to the farmer's market.  So I did make an effort to get us away from the house.  Just not really hard.

So I know other people who talk about writing in gratitude journals, taking walks at sunrise for inspiration, taking time to think and ponder on the meaning of life, finding time to exercise, wanting to make sure that they spend as much time as they can as a family without TV, video, or computer.  I feel a pang of guilt, because I feel I am not being a deep person, not making life meaningful for my children, not facilitating their sense of self and spirituality.  I feel guilty that I'm not spending more time with them.

Then I realize, I wouldn't be happy doing that.  I can't sit and be emotional and spiritual in front of my children.  I have to be matter of fact, open and honest but matter of fact.  Logical and straight from the hip.  I also want my me time, which, I guess, for me, is to spend some time on the computer web surfing.  I surf for information, often reading news articles and Wikipedia, for questions that come up.  I relax by watching goofy SyFy shows and just letting my brain turn to mush.  I don't want to spend every waking minute with my kids, I want them to find ways to entertain themselves.  Maybe they need to see me doing more reading, like when I lost an hour just reading about Maui and suddenly realized I should shower and work on lunch.

I ponder life's problems driving to work, always.  I have composed some awesome blog posts in my head.  But as soon as I get to work, they are forgotten, because I must deal with the mundaneness of work.  I probably get enough time to wonder as I drive to/from work and maybe I don't need to write it all down.  It is enough to think it through in my head.  I defy being there every minute for my kid and embrace the lazy parenting attitude. 

Come to think of it, when I was kid, I was outside, wandering the front and back yard and next door parking lot.  I don't remember spending a lot of time playing with my parents in elementary school.  They were doing whatever parents do and it didn't make a good or bad impression on me.  It just was.  So I think we have some time yet to get it all in and I'm not going to sweat the small stuff.  It will come when it needs to and will shape our family life however it can.  They will grow up how they are supposed to.

Because that is just how it is.

Nostalgia: that's what all those posts are for

Did a little look through my "favorites" and I decided I chose well. They reminded me of times and stories I hadn't thought about in a long time. So maybe that's what the blog is for, to look back, laugh, be glad I recorded it somewhere and to come back to it time and time again. Sigh, dream of the sweet days gone by. They were soooo cute, but they can be something else even now. The oldest and I sat down and reviewed the middle school handbook. I'm one of those parents who does exactly what the letters from the principal says to do. Goes over the handbook *with* my child. It was a good time to discuss what could, might, or what he should expect to happen and to have him declare that he would get A+'s only and he would never, ever end up in anything other than Honor Level One (which means no demerits. Really? They use demerits at this school?). We read all the classroom policies he brought home, signed all the papers promising he would abide by teachers' rules and I would be the back up to enforce that he abide by teachers' rules. Then I had him stuff them back in his backpack. For Tuesday. Yes, I'm an overachiever. I'm going to finish MY homework ahead of time, so I can relax and enjoy the weekend (well, Monday anyway, I am working the next two days.).

First day of school

I am just blown away by the fact that my oldest is in middle school.  This should not come as shock, there are people who I know with their youngest leaving for college, but still, I am probably more nervous about middle school than he is.

My favorite comment about middle school from him today was that "It isn't like on TV where there's a lot of bullies in middle school."  Good call, my dear boy, I think we need to talk about fact vs. fiction again.


The other thing I had to get over was that they are now in two separate schools until he is a senior and she is a freshman.

More passages this year.

The insanity

Nearly twenty years ago, I took this test, in anticipation of taking school to the next level: a master's degree.  Here I am, so many years later, signing up to take the GREs.  This, in anticipation of possibly, maybe, going ahead with a doctorate.  I think I might be insane.

Differences: Now the test is on a computer.  The price has gone up exponentially.  I can take the test not on a Saturday.  My brain has not been in the school mode for at least 12 years.  I am a little more freaked out.

Worst part is that I did, actually, amazingly well the last time.  I wish I could have just kept that score.  Unfortunately, they let them expire after five years.  So, I am worried that I will not do so well.  Don't we lose brain cells every year?

Ah, me!

Yes, where has a whole month gone by.  I was going to get all excited about being forty.  Being forty means living up to responsibilities, which is working so that I can have health benefits for my family.  And work I did.  I am getting too old to do so many weekend days.  I'm just tired of being a weekend worker.  I should have known better working in museums.  Our visiting public is on the weekends.

Instead, let's think of nicer things: lovely CSA (community supported agriculture) foods that are no longer mostly salad greens.  The first beets of the season, roasted on the grill, sliced and served with a shallot, red wine and balsamic vinegrette and feta cheese.  Son taking on his first triathlon, finishing and not last, as he hoped.  Siblings offering to organize another family trip to Hawaii (oh, how we all adored Hawaii and together!).  Husband doing so much better after some major surgery.  He is a trooper and I love him for taking on the challenge so that he can eventually feel so much better.  Getting on the bike again after too long.  The super heat ending, somewhat.  I hope it stays down for the next few days.  Starting in a writing group, making me read, share and critique.  Reading new YA books.  Deciding to read the House of Mirth, it's good to keep up with the classics.  Daughter enjoying her Laura Ingalls Wilder day camp.

Ah, that's better.

Recovering from my 40th birthday week!

Oh, yesterday I had to go back to work.  (boo)  I had spent the last week and a few days with family and friends and enjoyed it all.  It started with a trip back to my home state.  I met up with my sister and her daughter and our cousin who is my sister's age and her family during a nice downtown concert.  After Chipotle, a playgym and some rocking ice cream I headed back to the hotel with the kiddos.  We continued with the celebration of my brother's marriage to a really great gal, which was a nice time, but all too short.  My dear sister and one of her daughters rode back with me and my kids in the car.  That was a fun trip.  A bit long, but we took breaks for gas and Cold Stone, and a Subway pit stop.

The week was anything goes.  The kids had summer school, so my sister and her kid got up at leisurely hours.  We did things a toddler could handle, walks to the swing and to the park, playing in the backyard, pulling out trains from my son's toddler days, riding tricycles and bikes.  My kids, being 6 and 9 years her senior, did surprisingly well with a small toddler cousin (who is only just two and can tell you in whole paragraphs about anything and everything, which floored me).  A run to the tattoo place (which you already know), a visit to an indoor pool (hey, it may be summer, but it still is Wisconsin), a few naps, mommy bike rides and mommy runs and a couple of visits to our favorite ice cream place.

And the late nights.  My sister and I come from a night owl, our mother.  Our brother also seems to have gotten this gene.  If we could all get up at 10 am and stay up until 2 am, I think we'd feel we had it made.  (My poor dad falls asleep by 8 pm, but is up and  at them by 5 am.)  Good thing I didn't have to work, but I did have to get up somewhat early as I had to send a couple of kids off to summer school on time.  I drank a lot of iced coffee this week.  But those late nights were good for reconnecting and discussing all sorts of kid raising issues, friends, old times, things we remembered.

Your siblings and parents have known you the longest and at your youngest.  Though we change as we grow older, there's something comforting knowing that someone knew you "before."  What you liked and disliked, how you acted as a kid.  They may have changed, but still things stay the same.

My birthday rolled around and I had a brother, a sister-in-law, a sister, a brother-in-law, two nieces, two kids of my own, a husband and friends from way back, friends who are tight with me now, and newer friends that are gracious and fascinating.  Not everyone could show up and they were missed, but it was the right amount and right mix of people.  We had a great time at the park, all the kids that came got along very well and the set up and take down was so easy with all my relatives at hand.  My high school friends sent me my "over-the-hill" flowers, which made me smile. 

One of my very best college friends made the trip with her family, which was fantastic since the last time we saw each other might have been two years ago.  People came and went with food and we nearly got rid of all the cake the first time around. 

It was a great way to start the forties.

The night ended late, as only we siblings can do.  The kids were in rare form, making up dance recitals and plays, while the adults gathered at the kitchen table to reminisce about childhoods, giving away family secrets to spouses, gentle teasing and literal ribbing.  The next morning, before all my siblings and spouses left, we took pictures. 

Now, you will note that me and my siblings seem to be on the short side.  That is correct.

And you may note that our spouses are on the tall side.  That is also correct.

 I think we all had some innate need to even out the gene pool.

I am contemplating that maybe my career should be in getting together with my family and friends.  Life would be perfect, then.  There's just this little thing called money (and health benefits) that would not be forthcoming with that lifestyle.  I need to keep looking.  If I could combine a career with a way to get to see my family and friends every day, or at least once a week, I might find what I'm looking for in life.

Fabulous Forty

John Cougar Mellencamp, I'm sorry, but I think you got it wrong:

"Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone....  Hold on to sixteen as long as you can..."

Don't hold on to sixteen as long as you can.  It gets better and better.

And the thrill of living is just getting started.